About me

I live in London’s Hackney and do online stuff for Channel 4 and, lately, broadcast stuff for the BBC. I’m a member of the London Film Critics’ Film Section and was a finalist in the Women Of The Future awards 2010, Media section. I’m also writing a novel at the moment.

My own Twitter feed is over here and is not a formal thing at all. Come and say hello. You can also get hold of me at catherine dot bray at gmail dot com.

My reviews on Rotten Tomatoes

BBC Film 2011

My favourite quotes from the press notes for Tony Scott’s Unstoppable and what if anything I learned from them

UNSTOPPABLE is a movie about whether Denzel Washington and James Tiberius Kirk can stop a seemingly unstoppable train (spoiler: they can, but it’s tricky. Truthful title: ULTIMATELY STOPPABLE). I’ve reviewed it here for Film4, but what follows is me sharing my favourite quotations from the press notes.

For anyone not familiar with press notes, they’re a document where the people behind the film try to subtly introduce the key things they would like critics to say about the film into the unwary critic’s subconscious. It works surprisingly often. One day when I’m less lazy, I will do a compare and contrast between press notes and concepts that it’s hard to otherwise believe would have turned up in so many reviews.

So, my favourite quotes from the press notes for Tony Scott’s Unstoppable and what if anything I learned from them:

1.      ‘Inspired by actual events’
Audiences have become desensitised to studios slapping ‘true’ on everything from The Toolbox Murders to Escape To Victory. Actual on the other hand… it’s just so *actual*. ‘Actual’ is the new ‘true’.

2.      ‘Faster is not always safer’
Unstoppable: brought to you by the Road Safety Guild Of America.

3.      ‘Tony Scott is a master of motion picture events’
But not films.

4.      Tony Scott says: “It’s speed-on-speed.”
Pop-quiz hotshot: did somebody fuck up and not cap up Speed? I mean, he is referring to the Keanu classic right? The alternative is that he means “it’s fastness-on-drugs.”

5.      Tony Scott says: “This was the most challenging and brilliant adventure I’ve ever encountered because I had to tell a character story inside something going very, very fast.”
The speed at which a body is in motion is inversely proportionate to the amount of character and story that they have. At high speed, character just can’t keep up. This is physics.

6.      “They’re so old school, they’re new school.” – Writer Mark Bomback on trains.
Mark was thrilled to go to big school and discover they have a choo-choo set there too.

7.      ‘Denzel Washington suggested Tony Scott cast the Star Trek headliner, and Scott agreed, especially after catching Chris Pine’s acclaimed work in the play Farragut North.’
It was the theatre work that swung it. Pine is a real Actor. Be sure to mention his Acting. Do not focus on the Captain Kirk thing.

8.      Chris Pine on Denzel Washington – “He’s complicated in all the best ways.”
He’s a pain in the arse?

9.      Rosario Dawson on her character – “She is confident and assertive without being arrogant or bitchy which is an absolute necessity if you want to be successful in a traditionally male role.”
On men, bitchy and arrogant comes off as strong and commanding, but woe betide the person with a vagina who tries to make that stroppy shit work for them.

10.  ‘All three lead actors admit that the unstoppable train – the 777 – steals every scene.’
Out-acted by a train, eh?

11.  ‘”The 777 is the real star of the movie,” says Washington with characteristic nonchalance.  “It’s the shark in Jaws.” ‘
Denzel so modest.

12.  ‘”We call [the train] The Beast Triple-7,” says Tony Scott. “It has a voice.  It’s like the shark in Jaws.”
There is a certain comparison to be made in reviews of Unstoppable that Tony Scott would be very happy to read.

Now click here to read the review this press release is angling for.

Or here to read a real review of Unstoppable by me.

Sex And The City 2: review

Have reviewed Sex And The City 2 at great length for Film4.com, and here is said review in all its glory:

Carrie On In Obscene Luxury

SUMMARY

Carrie and the gang are off on an exotic holiday to splash their cash, sink their drinks and shunt their blunt sexual liberation into a world of repressed womanhood in Abu Dhabi

REVIEW

First things first, and for the benefit of fans who will see this film whatever this review goes on to say: yes, Liza Minnelli is in it and yes, she sings; yes, there’s a gay wedding with swans; yes, Charlotte falls off a camel; yes, there are more insane outfits than Mardi Gras; yes, there is a camp Arab butler named Abdul whom the girls nickname Paula; yes, the gang sing ‘I Am Woman’ at karaoke; yes, Carrie kisses whatsisface-the-carpenter; yes, Samantha gets arrested for shenanigans on the beach in Abu Dhabi; and yes, they make puns that would make a tabloid headline writer blush, ‘Lawrence Of My-Labia’ being the most awful/memorable. Not that Sex And The City has ever been lauded for its subtlety and grace, but this really is the closest to a Carry On film that the franchise has come so far. Suggested alternative title: Carrie On In Obscene Luxury.

The appeal of the original Sex And The City TV show, I am reliably informed, is that it gave us fully-rounded female characters who are the leads in their own lives rather than doomed to exist as sidekicks, pin-ups or romantic interests. This promising basic premise is wrapped up in a glossy package of cocktails, high fashion and adventurous sex, and underpinned by a solid foundation of female friendships. Sounds brilliant in theory, but it’s certainly not what you get from Sex And The City 2, which resembles what happens when comedy characters you know from a TV series or film appear in an advert – it’s recognisably them, and they behave in a way those characters might behave, but it’s all incredibly over the top and broad, an ad-man’s idea of funny. Plus of course, they’re trying to sell you something, and in Sex And The City 2′s case, that something appears to be Abu Dhabi, where the four girls jet off on holiday. If only they’d chosen Las Vegas instead, there might have been fewer crass attempts at cross-cultural analysis.

The girls coo orgasmically over their individual butlers, sigh over their cars and squeal over their $22,000 a night ‘jewel suite’ in a vulgar hotel that resembles what you’d get if you asked a six year old girl to design her ultimate princess dream sparkle palace. This is a movie that worships at the altar of mega wealth and consumerism, and if any extremist fringe groups happened to be thinking of making a piece of propaganda to inflame the righteous against the decadence of modern living, they should save themselves a job of work and simply screen this film.

There are a number of things the filmmakers could have done to vastly improve the film at very little cost. Number one on the list is to create a heroine who is not such a freakishly unsympathetic neurotic. Carrie, married for two years to Big, is upset that he wants to stay home and watch old black and white movies (of the calibre of It Happened One Night, no less – boy got taste) with her. I’m sorry, what? That sounds nice. She issues a terrifying edict: “We’re going to have to work on the sparkle… for the rest of our lives.” I cannot personally imagine many depths of hell worse that spending the rest of my life with Carrie Bradshaw, working on “the sparkle”.

Number two on the list would be to give lawyer Miranda Hobbes, always the most recognisably human character of the four, a proper story – all she gets is a little set-to with her sexist boss, before being relegated to chirping inane trivia from the Abu Dhabi guide book for the rest of the film. It’s an easy paycheque for actress Cynthia Nixon, who emerges from the film as the least annoying of the four women, but mainly because the competition is so hot. Charlotte loses our sympathy from the moment she wears an expensive vintage frock to do finger painting and cupcakes with her child, then bursts into tears when her poor kid gets paint on her dress. Eventually, she and Miranda share an execrable scene where they confess to each other that motherhood is hard and they can’t imagine how women without help do it. Suck it up ladies – at least you’re not spending the rest of your lives “working on the sparkle”.

Then there’s Samantha. Ah, Samantha… At some point in the dim and distant past life of the series she was a normal woman of a certain age who was proud of the fact that she enjoyed sex and didn’t want to settle down. A round of applause for that woman. That woman’s not in this film though: she’s been replaced by the mind of a horny teenage boy on heat, in the body of – well, you know what, I’m not going to say appalling things about how she or any of the women here look, because there are enough reviews doing that already, a focus I find slightly mystifying given the infinite number of more legitimate criticisms one might find to make of this film. Anyway, it’s a shame that Samantha emerges from her Abu Dhabi adventures recalling nothing quite so much as Mae West’s final film, the, um, comedy Sextette, in which Mae totters around gamely making innuendoes at any bit of trouser that happens to cross her path.

The screening I attended of this film was crammed with fans who whooped and roared with laughter; we can only conclude that they enjoyed this frothy concoction and chose to check deeper concerns at the door. This is the equivalent of movies like Transformers, but for people who like fashion and jet set locations rather than explosions and special effects. It will secure huge box office returns, and anyone bemoaning that fact might like to reflect that there are so few films targeting this audience, it’s small wonder they end up taking what they can get. It’s also a shame that, while Transformers was toss, there was also The Dark Knight, a movie with explosions and special effects, but also brains and deeper subtext. Are there any films crammed with fashion and jet set locations that also have brains and deeper subtexts? Whither the Christopher Nolan of “working on the sparkle”?

Not that I can really defend Sex And The City 2. My GCSE History textbook had a chapter on women getting the vote which included a cartoon from Punch Magazine claiming to illustrate the difference between the male and female brain. The picture of the male brain was full of sections like ‘politics’, ‘finance’, ‘international affairs’ and ‘foxhunting’. The female brain was full of labels including ‘shoes’, ‘hats’ and ‘marriage’. Sex And The City 2 appears to largely agree with Punch’s assessment, though it would of course add ‘sex’ to this giddy cocktail. As Carrie might put it, I couldn’t help but wonder: could it really be that the main difference between an ancient cartoon arguing that the female of the species should not be allowed to vote and a 21st century film supposedly portraying empowered modern women was whether they were getting some or not?

VERDICT

There are puddles out there feeling smug about how deep they are in comparison to this worryingly materialistic hymn to consumerism. Nice shoes though. You go, girlfriend.

Motherhood starring Uma Thurman

Since I must review Motherhood starring Uma Thurman for work, and since I’m doing so on my own in my flat on DVD, how about you join me for the experience? Pull up a beer, grab a couch, get comfy. Spoiler warning, obviously. Ok, let’s do this thing.

1.04 Camera tracks across apartment which is Hollywood for small and messy i.e. somewhere I would kill to afford. No sound/dialogue so far.

4.28 Sped up montage of morning rush with “skip to the loo” soundtrack. Picturesque messy kids. Uma Thurman is harrassed. We know she is harassed because she’s got the brown hair and glasses thing going on that we all remember from the train wreck that was My Super Ex Girlfriend. Is that Goose from Top Gun?

6.00 Yep, she’s married to Goose from Top Gun. You know, thingie from ER, the one that’s not George Clooney or the skinny one with Disney button eyes.

7.45 Bitchy scene with bitchy neighbour. Rom-com rule no.1 – all women are  total bitches apart from the heroine and possibly her sassy best friend.

8.29 Argh, Sex And The City type heinous voiceover.

9.24 “Must a woman’s soul wither and die simply because she becomes a mother?” Yr profundity, please show me it.

10.59 Ah, enter the sassy best friend. It’s Minnie Driver, always a seal of gold standard quality. Is that supposed to be a British accent?

11.42 Seriously, what is that voice she’s doing? NB Minnie Driver is British, but sounds like someone who can’t do a British accent trying very hard.

13.03 Uma’s husband is totally absent minded and seemingly uncaring. I was wondering what weak excuse they would come up with for her having to do everything. By the end of the film he will either turn out to have a hidden heart of gold or they will be split up.

15.15 Encounter with shitty environmentalist lady. See above re: all other women are bitches.

16.44 I think Uma just caused a massive traffic jam for no good reason but we’re supposed to be on her side. Oh, and now she’s haranguing a working class man for working in a low paid job. And now she’s apologised and they’re bonding.

18.14 Why is there a Greek chorus of idiots commenting on her every move?

18.41 Oh good, they’re gone.

19.00 More parking dilemmas. I bet Bruce Willis wishes there were more parking dilemmas in his movies.

19.54 More explaining of her problems to total strangers who inexplicably sympathise. This character has not earned this; she has not had one moment of charm, 20 minutes in.

21.53 Another montage. Playpark this time.

22.00 Another bitch woman harangues her. This time for criticising her child.

22.47 WTF?! Jodie Foster cameo as herself taking her kid for a walk. Voiceover: “Should a mom really have to choose between  taking her kid for a walk and being harassed by the paparazzi?” The what-the-fuck factor is melting my what-the-fuck-o-meter.

24.47 Talk with another random mother who is a complete lunatic. I think the actress once had a small character part in the first series of Friends. That’s some tough breaks, kiddo.

25.43 Super, some more parking/vehicle shennanigans. More rage from Uma.

26.46 “Why is it that the moment you pass 35 and have  a kid in tow, you are automatically a M’am?” Oh. Just. Fuck. Off. This film is like a whinging entry on Livejournal made into a movie. That its points are sometimes legit makes no difference.

28.00 Look out, Strangely British Minnie is back.

29.00 Oh no, she did NOT just say that. She did! She did say “When you can’t stop you must shop.” Segue into empowering musical shopping montage and tales of Why Men Are Crap, Generic Rom-Com Edition. Consumerism painted as female empowerment again, thank you very much Sex And The City.

31.56 “Motherhood is not knowing what is going to hit you next.” If it’s an out of control sprinkler machine full of piss in the face, can I watch?

33.08 Anthony Edwards looks like if Anthony Edwards came back as a mummy. The Egyptian kind, not the kind for which this film is doing such a shitty PR job.

41.52 Give me strength. A cakeshop is now the scene for a showdown with yet more Other Women Are Total Bitches.

43.15 Slow sad montage because her demanding spawn’s name is spelled wrong on the cake.

44.04 Further parking rage. Close to tears about daughter’s birthday party.

44.36 Ah, an understanding young Asian man. He profers a calming cigarette. I swear to god if he offers her some kind of mystic advice…

45.17 Ok, I’m pretending I didn’t hear his mystic advice, it will make me type more swears.

46.28 A little old lady’s apartment. And now we’re gone. What was the blink and you’ll miss her granny about?

48.20 Stop bitching about your fucking fantastic apartment, woman. I could fit my flat in that place four times over.

49.04 Stop it, bad film. You’re hurting me. The sweet Asian guy is reading out the fiction she had to stop writing when she had kids. She is touched.

51.15 If you want to tell your mum you wish you were never born and you hate her, this is the ideal Mothering Sunday gift.

51.43 Stop dancing to her amazing music, Asian guy.

52.00 Uma! not you as well! Stop it! Stop dancing!

52.38 Still dancing. It’s like Uma is actively curling one out on the memory of the ultracool Mrs Mia Wallace in Jack Rabbit Slims.

53.02 Dude, get out of here and take your shy smile and stonewash denim cap with – hang on, let’s pause there. STONEWASH DENIM HAT. I’m taking a moment.

54.38 STONEWASH  DENIM HAT.

55.14 For shiz, I could be watching my new Twin Peaks boxset right now. I will never get this evening back. This evening has been sucked into a vortex of rubbish.

56.31 Angry Minnie Driver is Angry.  Something about blogs and friendship and yadda fuckity yah. Actually I think she may be doing an Australian accent?

58.13 Sweet Pete and his magic dragon, there is still half an hour of this to go.

60.01 Although, perhaps it’s about to take some kind of amazing leftfield turn into crazyland and she’ll do a Columbine at this birthday party thing that’s stressing her out so much.

60.43 Ooh, she’s leaving town because her crapsack husband wrote stupidly honest comments on a piece of her fiction.

61.59 That’s the second oddly crowbarred 9/11 reference. Is that how long this script has been hanging around?

62.40 Excellent, the kid is choking and the useless dad doesn’t know what to do. If the kid dies, that’s a curveball I could live with in terms of livening things up a bit.

63.30 Her husband is a total douche. Hey, the kid lives! Brills.

64.04 Just divorce Goose already and run away with the Asian dude.

65.07 Rubbish husband is nice to you for ten minutes = he’s suddenly Prince Of Romance.

66.01 Tears and sweaty fringes.

67.17 This film is the nadir of Middle Class Woe.

68.05 It feels like time  to have a look at the DVD sleeve. Oh wouldya look at that, it’s made by a company called Killer Films. How extremely appropriate.

69.06 STONEWASH DENIM HAT

72.32 So the kid’s birthday party is the dramatic feelgood high point.

74.53 Rooftop peacemaking session in which husband presents wife with a surprise cheque for  $24,000 dollars having secretly discovered a 1st edition Emerson. Thus enabling wifey to put kid in childcare and buy a dishwasher, thus freeing her up to be herself.

77.22 So there you have it ladies, money is the solution to your work-life balance and the man in your life will magic this money up, Cash In The Attic style.

78.12 “Search for and hold on to your own self. Hold on to that.” Are you done yet?

79.28 “Feel fortunate because the chances are good you actually might be.” You better be done now. Please stop. Stop it.

80.18 Family bonding. PLEASE END IT NOW. Please.

80.45 Sweet Jesus, thank you, it’s over. I’ll be good, I swear, just never make me watch that ever again.

Lasting impressions:

Uma Thurman shouldn’t be allowed in films that are not made by Quentin Tarantino. Goose’s career must be on the skids. What was that voice Minnie Driver did? STONEWASH DENIM HAT.

1 star

DISASTER! HERO! HORROR!

disaster horror hero

The Hackney Gazette have come dangerously close to cracking the perfect newspaper sell here. If only the horror had been a sex horror, it would be untouchable in the history of print media.