Carry On Cardiff

Still giggling over the demented but brilliant fan fiction that is Torchwood.

God, it was great. Really great. Although I could equally understand the viewpoint of someone who thought it was terrible.

The whole thing was precisely like someone told an over-excitable Buffy/Who fan who’d been watching a lot of Carry On films to outline their ideal episode. The result:

“Ok, so SPIKE comes through a mystical portal and there’s all this ROCK MUSIC, because he’s the COOLEST, OMG, and he does something evil and COOL, and yet AMBIGUOUS, like chucking a mugger off a multi-storey car-park, then he goes to a bar and has GUNS, haha lol@ bar clientele. [insert: fanboy pleasing but quite funny Star Wars ref]
Ok, so, then ANGEL CAPTAIN JACK comes in, all masterful and hott and his coat is BILLOWING and they walk towards each other, like, forever, with all this music, and you think they’re going to fight, but, no even better, they KISS, like, FOREVER, and THEN THEY FIGHT! And kiss, and fight. And then they have a drink, and fight, and kiss, and kiss, and drink and banter and fight, fight, gay banter, kiss, fight.
Then some other shit happens with the fringey lady and characters I don’t really care about, only with Captain Spike and Captain Angel making much innuendo, lolcore, and they are both totally gay for a mystical diamond or something, and they kiss, then there is peril of some kind, STILL MORE innuendo, KISSING, and SPIKE THROWS JACK OFF A BUILDING, OMG, but WAIT he is NOT dead, ahahaaaa and Spike is all oh noez, then more peril, more innuendo, something about a gay diamond trap bomb that might explode the world, but the mystical hellmouth rift thinger eats the bomb and saves Cardiff woo yay, then kissing, more fighting, more innuendo, and kissing, and SOME EMOTIONAL REVEAL OF JACK’S DARK PAST that means nothing as yet, but aha, you will tune in to find out, only not really, because it’s all about the SEXYSEXY SEX and no-one gives a monkey’s about the plot and probably Kenneth Williams will star as an alien orgy choreographer in the next episode because that is the only place left to go. Fin.”

If you did not watch it, it probably sounds like I am exaggerating, but this is not one word of a lie.

In the real world I would give it 6/10 (maybe 7) because it really is quite silly, but for sheer enjoyment I give the full Tufnel, 11/10, and in Torchwood world I’d GIVE IT ONE (hur hur hur, it sounds like she means sexy sex, hur hur, sex).

My only real beef was that they used Blur’s Song 2 for a fight scene - which is just not something that has come full circle yet (the last time it was remotely acceptable - and even then not really - was in the Charlie’s Angels remake, with Drew Barrymore deftly avoiding implied gang rape by Sam Rockwell’s boyband army with her awesome chair-fighting skillz). The time for irony will come, but for now this song in any action sequence is still just lazy cliche.